Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
