yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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