did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
