Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
