Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
