Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
