I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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