okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
