The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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