he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
