Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
