I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
