I haven't been this sober since birth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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