you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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