Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
