You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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