I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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