there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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