Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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