and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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