That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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