We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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