Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
