FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Vodka?
Forever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
