Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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