I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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