I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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