i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
