you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
