do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.