LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
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I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it