i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
