nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
