The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
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