A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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