My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
