for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
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Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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