The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
