This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How's work?
Spinning.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
