I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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