Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
