3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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