note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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