I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The air was thick with penises
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
