Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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