i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
