Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
