Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
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Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted