i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy