Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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