Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
