I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
