I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
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Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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