So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
