I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
