wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
